of moving on (and away from Denmark). I’ve been thinking these days and I feel like I will go back; A few months ago I would have thought I might stay, but now I am thinking I’ll go back. Perhaps I’m wrong and I’ll actually stay or end somewhere else; only the L-rd knows. In any case, this is just my “feeling”. I re – read the last post I, well… posted and realized there is nothing special or remarkable about Denmark (no offense, søde Danmark), In fact, there are still may aspects of the country I don’t like, so there is no logical reason for badly to stay (and I’m not in the “badly” level… not yet, anyway). Then, why would I like to? I’ve come to the conclusion there may be two reasons: Firstly, unlike a student or professional who’s here for a certain reason, I don’t really have a plan upon returning, not that I wouldn’t like to; I just do not. Secondly, it is not so much about the country (I am still hating the fact that people -at least københavnere – throw their trash all over the streets EVEN when having affald – trash – containers available, most of the time), as it is about having invested, well, ALL of my in this enterprise. It is perhaps about not having time enough to come to a conclusion… of something. The competent, perfectionist, knowledge-greedy me would like to be a “perfect Danish speaker”, or “perfect biker” (ha!) or something similar BEFORE having to leave. I’d like to have some sense of accomplishment and closure, but the truth is, I think, not such thing exists; at least not when you cross to the other side of the world and start anew, without any certainty of the future.
Then there’s also the issue of PERMANENCY. There have been so many events in my life, and so many phases that have affected and, to some extent deprived me of any sense of permanency, that perhaps I’m longing for some of it, right now. Not that I wouldn’t want to continue traveling. However, it’d be nice to have a certain “something”, a certain place of my own, where to touch base; a certain place where I could “nest” at least for a season. It’d be nice to finally be able to get glasses and picture frames, and some nice, appropriate bedding, in the knowledge that I’d be somewhere, for some time. I’m not prone to accumulating stuff; I can’t quite deal with clutter and too much chaos – at least not when it comes to my “vital space” – and, if something, I mostly collect cards, articles; paper… “things” that have to do with words. My mom once said I’m a “collecting-squirrel” who, instead of going for the fancy, valuable nuts, would go for the shinny candy wrappers… basically the trashy stuff. Well, it is TRUE. I have very few “valuable” things in my possession. Instead, I possess a vast number of post cards (In my defense, I have to say I AM sending them, and not just treasuring them), articles, textured paper cut-outs, Mafalda cartoon strips… you get the picture.
The point is – and no, I have not drifted away from the main subject – in collecting those things I chase two purposes; the first being remembrance and/or pure joy when looking at them, and the second, the hope that sometime soon I’ll have a little (or not so little; I wouldn’t mind, ha ha ha) place of my own, where to hang the black humor cartoon a friend gave a few years ago, or place the over-sized (for real!) pencil Maya gave me for Christmas. Then, I think, I might feel that I have attained – somehow, in a particular sphere of life – some sort of permanency, plus the added “bonus” of being perceived as a “real” adult ( I believe I am one, but not everyone shares my opinion).
But then again, I might be wrong… Permanency (or is it transcendence?) may be much more a spiritual, first, and then intellectual matter, than material. In fact… I think it is. I still wouldn’t mind having the “little nest” where to touch base… sigh… oh mere mortals that we are. We’ll see what the future holds.